We all know how to hold a grudge, but few of us know why we hang on to past hurts—or how to let them go. Family conflicts are as old as Cronus consuming his offspring, Cain slaying Abel, and having to sit at the kiddie table during holiday meals. When we feel boundaries being crossed or the sting of familial insensitivity, it can give rise to hard-heartedness and an unwillingness to see each other anew. Those feelings can last decades, even lifetimes. I know this because when I was 18, my sister and I got involved with the same guy.

Rob was a sexy British vagabond, and my time with him was short and educational in the way my flaming teenage libido longed for. But it turned out the charms of an eager amateur had limited appeal next to the hot-blooded worldliness of an older, beautiful sister. They met when Rob dropped me off at home just before I got on a plane and left town for Christmas break. When I returned, Rob and my sister picked me up at the airport…together. As I sat in the back seat of the car, contemplating double murder, the seeds of family strife were sown.

Years later my sister was living abroad and, without investigating why, I found the infrequency of our visits a great relief. Then war broke out around her and she had to come home pronto, and she moved in with me—just before I was diagnosed with cancer. To read more from Elaine Smookler, click here.